Woo-dee-woo

I've realized that I really don't like it when old people touch me.

I also really want a Chinchilla.

That is all.

I am hoping with chance you might take this dance

I am ready, I am ready for a fall.

Done

I'm just so done. He doesn't care, so what the fuck does it matter?

Fuck >.<

Ballsacs.

That is all.

Self-destruction

God...he's such an asshole.

What the fuck is so wrong with me that no one I like ever likes me back?

This fucking sucks.

Assface....>.<

Yeah, so, I like the Assface. The Assface knows I like him and he likes me, too. But not enough to ask me out apparently. His last brouhaha with a chick made him think that he wasn't sure he wanted anything serious. Which confuses me everso slightly because from the begininng he told me he wanted something serious. >.<

But whatever. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. Whatever.

I think I'm just gonna pull away before I get too invested and he breaks my heart. I still will like him and hang out with him as much as I can and I won't entirely give up. I just gotta pull away emotionally, a bit. Not a big deal.

It just feels so good to know that I do still have the ability to have feelings for someone else. It felt good to feel those butterflies flapping around in my stomach and to remember the feeling of wanting to start a new relationship. I think above all that's really the most important thing instead of actually starting a relationship.

He's still an Assface, though.

I hoooooooopeee

So, the thought of becoming a full out lesbian has been on my mind from time to time lately. It's not a constant thought, but it comes into my head so frequently and so strongly that I just can't ignore it.

But, when I think about it, seeing as it's so fucking hard to find a decent guy it's just as hard to find a decent lesbian.

It's a lose/lose, I think.

I think about sex constantly.

But I have no sex drive because of Cymbalta.

The Cymbalta does not make me happy. It just makes me content with the idea of always being depressed.

I'm a 21 year old who lately has been spending all her Saturday nights inside. Because of this I feel as if I've either lost most of my friends OR I just don't want anyone in my life anymore. I go back and forth between the two possibilities, really.

Lately, I find myself in a rather good mood because I'm alone.

I just want to go out and party and get drunk with strangers that I'll never see again.

I miss making new friends.

I'm in a rather good mood right now.

I'm a Gogol kind of girl.

I wish I said this to you...

"There's one thing I do know...and that is I love you. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we're alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names."
-Gone With the Wind

Because, dammit, my dear, it's the closest thing I know to the truth. Every bit of it is the truth. I love you, good bad, arrogant or gentleman characteristics of yours. I love you for who you are. And there's no one in the world who loves you like I do.

Dickbutts and ovary hats.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Cock-ass-ballsac-cuntzilla-towering thunder cunt-mcgee-motherfucker.

I love you, asshole.

I wish I could go with you...

I can't stand this

About 18 more days until I turn 21. I don't care about turning 21, really, I don't. I just want to be able to go to the bar with my friends and not feel left out when they go and I can't because "I'm not 21 yet." I mean...God...I haven't felt left out since I was like 5 and had to go to bed earlier than my brother and sister.

For fucks sake. This is getting bullshit.

EH!

Therapy is a pain in the ass to go to. Really. It is. Every time I realize I have an appointment I think "AW! MOTHER FUCKER!" I just want to lay down and watch TV. I feel like I'm doing better. Plus...I'm running out of things to talk to because nothing's changed. So, I canceled my appointment today without any intention to reschedule until like...way after my birthday.

I figure that I'm depressed, I always felt this way, I still feel this way and it's never gonna go away. But...I'm finding better ways to deal with it. I'm starting to be content with my bitter, angry, misanthropic, lonely, and purely studious self. This is me, and I'm pretty okay with that.

On a totally unrelated note: I think I'm going deaf. Really. Something's wrong with my ears/hearing. I should probably get that checked out.

Nobody wants to do it on their own, and everyone wants to know they're not alone...

Nickelback "Gotta Be Somebody"

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But, dreams just aren't enough
So, I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So, I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu
Me standing here with you
So, I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up,
When your looking for
A diamond in the rough
'Cause you never know
When it shows up,
Make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know there not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
(What your looking for)
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
(You never know)
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
(Start holding on)
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

My Hanson experience...

So, my day started off hurriedly, as per-usual. Had a test in each one of my classes today. Three fucking exams. My hand hurt like a bitch, but I think I did rather well. I was pleased. Then, I was off! Took the train downtown to meet Nikki. We then walked to the House of Blues. There, we enjoyed a Hanson concert. It was fairly enjoyable! Except for the stupid girl right next to me. She had her hair in a pony-tail that kept whacking me in the face. I mean, seriously...if you have long hair and you know you're going to jump around and dance like an idiot at a concert, put your hair up in a bun so it doesn't whack people in the face. So, because this nearly ruined my Hanson experience, I systematically grabbed onto her hair and pulled on it. Bitch.

Oh, and before the concert, the Hanson boys were outside doing this walk thing to help people in Africa with AIDS or some bullshit like that. Anyways...Isaac Hanson, the most attractive of the three, was less than two feet away walking past me, he looked at me, smiled this beautiful smile, checked me out, and undressed me with his eyes. Famous people generally look at me like this. It made my day.

Suck it, every thirteen year old girl in the country!

Boobies

I think that writing in a journal will help me out. But, I'd rather write in one of my leather bound journals for shit like this. I dunno...A part of me is sentimental and believes that paper and pen are the ways to go. Maybe a part of me is thinking that I don't have enough time anymore to crack open my journal and write a few sentences down. The curse of the technological age. It's faster and just...easier. Shit...maybe a part of me thinks that it helps to tell this sort of shit to a stranger, even though I know no one is reading this. Just the intrawebs...

I miss Shakespeare. I...wonder what will happen between us when he comes home. I know I want to ask him...if he really loved/loves me and isn't just bullshitting me. I dunno. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone. But then again...he and I always said that our paths would cross again.

He said he always thought I was smarter than he was and that I reminded him a lot of himself.

I wonder if he ever felt like this. Like...like he'd always be alone. Not feeling like you were in the right place or the right time.

I wonder if he was so hurt that he just...couldn't do it anymore. That he gave up.

Another part of me just doesn't care. Go figure.

Terribly...

I feel terribly unmotivated. At this moment, I would usually be chomping at the bit to do homework and be studious and crap. But right now...eh. I think it's because I'm feeling awfully diabetic.

Ohh...procrastination...I've missed you, my old friend.

Omg...

I want to have sex with Hugh Laurie so much. I dream of it. I want him to pull my hair, slap my ass and call me a dirty slut. Yeah. He's nearly triple my age. What of it? I will have that man. One day. One dirty dirty day.

Will this ever end?

I hate him. But, I don't know how I can move on.

I'm thinking about pooping...

Sometimes I feel that life is kinda okay. But other times I feel so lonely I want to die. Sadly, I'm usually in a good mood when I talk to my therapist...so I kind of wonder when I'm gonna get better with him. Still not ready to "open up." I find it strange talking about my deepest thoughts and fears with some stranger. Meh...

Everyone has a significant other and it kind of blows ballsacs. I used to be in a relationship...and it used to be okay. Now we're really not even friends anymore. I'm trying to decide if I even like him as a person. I hate him for that.

He's also the reason why I'm going to therapy.

I hate him for that, too.

I used to have another blog on this stupid site...

But I couldn't sign into it because of some Google bullshit.

Whatever.

I'm depressed. I've thought about killing myself so many times. I thought about it at least three times today. A little while ago I thought about just downing a bunch of my Cymbalta. But then I thought that I don't want to start vomiting or experience that pain. So, I didn't do it. Then I thought about going to the emergency room like I promised my psychiatrist I would if I felt suicidal again. But, I thought ehhhh...it's late...I don't want to wake mom up.

I hate Dan. I'm in love with him but I hate him. He's so stupid and I feel that he has had a huge hand in making me this depressed lately. Which he has. He's not the sole reason why I'm all blue. But he's a big reason why I'm depressed now.

He was a shitty boyfriend. He was a shitty friend. He's still a shitty friend despite the fact that he claims he wants to be my friend. It's not fair that he gets to go out...with MY old friends...and get completely drunk and have a "crazy fun time" while I have to sit all by myself on Friday night with NO ONE.

I hate break ups. I hate Dan. I am alone. I want to die. I hate my life.

I wish I could move to California and never return.

Bah. Whatever. More to come later.