Self-destruction

God...he's such an asshole.

What the fuck is so wrong with me that no one I like ever likes me back?

This fucking sucks.

Assface....>.<

Yeah, so, I like the Assface. The Assface knows I like him and he likes me, too. But not enough to ask me out apparently. His last brouhaha with a chick made him think that he wasn't sure he wanted anything serious. Which confuses me everso slightly because from the begininng he told me he wanted something serious. >.<

But whatever. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. Whatever.

I think I'm just gonna pull away before I get too invested and he breaks my heart. I still will like him and hang out with him as much as I can and I won't entirely give up. I just gotta pull away emotionally, a bit. Not a big deal.

It just feels so good to know that I do still have the ability to have feelings for someone else. It felt good to feel those butterflies flapping around in my stomach and to remember the feeling of wanting to start a new relationship. I think above all that's really the most important thing instead of actually starting a relationship.

He's still an Assface, though.

I hoooooooopeee

So, the thought of becoming a full out lesbian has been on my mind from time to time lately. It's not a constant thought, but it comes into my head so frequently and so strongly that I just can't ignore it.

But, when I think about it, seeing as it's so fucking hard to find a decent guy it's just as hard to find a decent lesbian.

It's a lose/lose, I think.

I think about sex constantly.

But I have no sex drive because of Cymbalta.

The Cymbalta does not make me happy. It just makes me content with the idea of always being depressed.

I'm a 21 year old who lately has been spending all her Saturday nights inside. Because of this I feel as if I've either lost most of my friends OR I just don't want anyone in my life anymore. I go back and forth between the two possibilities, really.

Lately, I find myself in a rather good mood because I'm alone.

I just want to go out and party and get drunk with strangers that I'll never see again.

I miss making new friends.

I'm in a rather good mood right now.

I'm a Gogol kind of girl.

I wish I said this to you...

"There's one thing I do know...and that is I love you. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we're alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names."
-Gone With the Wind

Because, dammit, my dear, it's the closest thing I know to the truth. Every bit of it is the truth. I love you, good bad, arrogant or gentleman characteristics of yours. I love you for who you are. And there's no one in the world who loves you like I do.

Dickbutts and ovary hats.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Cock-ass-ballsac-cuntzilla-towering thunder cunt-mcgee-motherfucker.

I love you, asshole.

I wish I could go with you...

I can't stand this

About 18 more days until I turn 21. I don't care about turning 21, really, I don't. I just want to be able to go to the bar with my friends and not feel left out when they go and I can't because "I'm not 21 yet." I mean...God...I haven't felt left out since I was like 5 and had to go to bed earlier than my brother and sister.

For fucks sake. This is getting bullshit.

EH!

Therapy is a pain in the ass to go to. Really. It is. Every time I realize I have an appointment I think "AW! MOTHER FUCKER!" I just want to lay down and watch TV. I feel like I'm doing better. Plus...I'm running out of things to talk to because nothing's changed. So, I canceled my appointment today without any intention to reschedule until like...way after my birthday.

I figure that I'm depressed, I always felt this way, I still feel this way and it's never gonna go away. But...I'm finding better ways to deal with it. I'm starting to be content with my bitter, angry, misanthropic, lonely, and purely studious self. This is me, and I'm pretty okay with that.

On a totally unrelated note: I think I'm going deaf. Really. Something's wrong with my ears/hearing. I should probably get that checked out.